A time to share

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Achy Breaky Heart

Got a call at 2pm from my brother in law Terry. He informed me that the decision was being made to take Ted off of life support. The discussion was about when? Today or tomorrow. I said whatever was decided was o.k. by me. I wasn't planning on going back to the hospital. Our daughter Katie was due home at about 2:30 and I wanted to take her bike to the church so it could be loaded onto the truck to be taken to Camp Bishop this coming weekend. I also wanted to drop off some new golf clubs I built for a work associate. Katie decided that she didn't want to go with me as I told her that Ted was going to be taken off life support today or tomorrow. Well we had a good cry together.
After dropping her bike off and enjoying a nice conversation with Pastor Bill, I headed to work to deliver the golf clubs. Matt's excitement was wonderful. I hope the clubs work out well for him...
I arrived at the hospital at about 5:30. I just couldn't stay away. Many relatives are there. Brothers, sister, in laws, out laws, nieces, nephews, and friends too! Quite a gathering.
I was told that it would happen at 6pm... Ten minutes to go. It was a strange event. I was under the impression that when we took him off oxygen and life support that he would immediately go. Not true as I found out. When the breathing apparatus was removed he began to breath on his own quite well. This sure caused some second thoughts on my part. Although I realize his inner body is shredded from all the times he has been repaired with coils in his liver, bands on his arteries, blood transfusions and what all else, it was not a thing to witness or take lightly. My sister mouthed the word "NO" to me. I said to her, "This is merciful." It is time to let him go. I hope this doesn't sound like this is easy or flippant. It IS time to let him go. Time to begin the next phase of the grieving process.

I was so hoping and praying to have the chance to speak with him. I love him so much. I wanted and needed to tell him so. I will miss him at every turn.
I will think of him every time I watch a sporting event that we used to share in. It is time to celebrate Ted's life. Although it was relatively short, it was power packed with fun times and zany moments.
Some serious times too.
I am so thankful for his time in my life.

He taught me the important thing about not taking yourself too seriously...

and to enjoy each moment.
To cherish.

To be less judgemental because you are not very perfect and have a lot of muck in your life.

I spent some time alone with him stroking his hands and face. A hug and a kiss, Some words to take with him, ran my fingers through his hair and cried, because I will miss him and the times we will not share. The golfing together we will not do, the salmon fishing that will not happen. The memories that will not be made. It hurts thinking about it.
I will edeavor to remember all the times we had together. The fun times. Right now as I type these words I am afraid. Afraid that these memories will forever be tinged with sadness.
It is said, time heals all wounds. I have a huge hole in my life right now. I think I will enjoy the moment and pain for a while. I think it will make me a better more loving, kinder person.
Because Ted died in this manner, basically drinking himself to death. Many would assume that he was a worthless, pathetic human being. Selfish, uncaring and many other negative thoughts. Those would be people who never got the wonderful chance to meet him. These of course might sound like flowery words just to eulogize my brother. But truly, to be a friend with Ted was to have a special blessing. Was he perfect? An Innocent? Certainly not. Are you? Am I?

Ted had many fine qualities. A ready smile. A twinkle in his eye. A positive comment always ready to give. Always. A wonderful mischievous quality that is rare. He was a hard and good worker. Somehow, even though he drank enormous amounts of beer nightly. He always went to work and performed.(A lesser man couldn't have made it day in and day out) He was a generous person. Always willing to give of himself whether it be cash, if he had any to spare, or his time and talents as a carpenter, or just to help you move some heavy object.
Now he is gone.
Sorry you missed his blessing.


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